04. The Need for Purpose
Or — The Reason Why I Felt As Though My Choice Was Already Made
The following observations are derived from my own experience, and should not be considered in any way academic, medical, or otherwise authoritative as a wholistic statement of fact. However, I believe that they will at the very least be relatable, for I believe that we all have a need for purpose. It just so happens that I may have finally laid hold of mine.
I’m no stranger to leaps of faith, if one could generously call them that. It wouldn’t be inaccurate to assume that, particularly among my family members, I’m what most would consider a “wild card.” One moment everything is fine, the next moment, Grace enters with an announcement that changes everything.
It’s one of my natural occupational hazards that I’ve come to not only understand, but accept, to a degree. The battle between obligation and desire, between responsibilities and dreams, between expectations and revelations, has been a continual confrontation within my mind and heart for as long as I can remember. This has, more often than not, led me to alternating periods of self-hatred and self-indulgence. I never felt that I could be fully myself (whomever that was), nor fully what others wanted (or expected) of me in any one area. And so I continued searching for a place, for a purpose, where I would be able to feel both accepted and valued for the application of my strengths, and in the process developed a very small emotional threshold for discontent.
That threshold for discontent directly correlates with a person’s risk tolerance. That threshold depends on many factors, experience and example being one of the largest of them. Part of it is the establishment of what’s “normal” — have I always been like “this” and has everyone around me always been like “this”. Part of it is the association with risk taking. Have I ever taken a risk and been rewarded for it? Particularly for those with a strong emotional experience, the answer to that question will inform their perspective when encountering future risks, or opportunities to pursue something that feels more in line with their beliefs or sense of self.
Being discontent averse is more often than not associated with being irresponsible, selfish, or immature. This is not entirely unmerited, but I believe that there is something deeper to it than just wanting short-term satisfaction. After all, discontent easily leads to several deficiencies in mental health to various degrees, so there is a sense where the need that is spurring this discontent is truly central to the person’s well-being. I’d argue that it’s that need for purpose — if one is walking along a path that satisfies their raison d’etre, there is a lot more willingness and even happiness to deal with the challenges in this world.
I was created to create, and I’m on a path to create something larger than myself which will inspire others, in turn, to create. Turning away from the opportunity when presented was not an option, no matter how much I considered it. And so I thank my family and friends and supporters for giving me the freedom to feel as though in taking this step that I’m not choosing, but simply being.
